My Reality vs. The Reality

Whenever people ask how I like it here or what I think of this country, I nearly always say that I love it here. At the same time I make these statements with a kind of embarassment. How perverse is it as a stupid Westerner to come to Palestine to tell Palestinians how wonderful and amazing their country is, while they live under such hardships? Even though most people really appreciate the fact that I look beyond the occupation, to see the beautiful society behind it, I still feel a bit uneasy sometimes. As a Western person you don't get to live with occupation in the same destructive way as Palestinians do. First of all, most of us are only here for a short period: for us there's a way out of here, so it's very easy to like it here. "OMG! It's amáááááááázing.... but yes... my plane leaves next sunday".
Then there's the humiliating system of checkpoints, which is not even nearly as bad for internationals as it is for Palestinians. At Qalandia checkpoint you're allowed to stay in the bus as an international. At Huwarra checkpoint you do have to through on foot, but you can take the 'humanitarian lane'.... which goes of course a lot faster. But sadly waiting for hours at a checkpoint is often a privilige of the lucky few, think of all those Palestinian people that don't even have access to these checkpoints.
And of course... money. As always this 'dirty commodity' plays a big role. For us life in Palestine is fairly nice. We get to go to places such as Jerusalem, Jericho, the Dead Sea, Eilat, Jordan... wherever... and even inside Nablus (or Ramallah, which is even better in this regard) we kind of live 'the good life': we visit nargilah places, go out to diner and whatever. Besides the issue of access many people don't even have the means to do these things because the occupation has killed the economy and has caused an alarming rate of poverty, that strangles many people's ability to live, even further.
And then there's the violence.... the most clear and direct signs that there's a conflict going on in this small piece of land. As a Western person you live in a bubble. You don't see the violence or experience it directly. You live in a reality that is completely different than that of any Palestinian. The violence occurs even beside you when you are sleeping. You know that it happens, you'll hear about it, but still it is not part of your system.
I find it very difficult to deal with to hear about all these horrible incidents of youngsters being killed, arrested etc. and not being able to comprehend it, to imagine it, simply because it's not part of my reality. I see this country as beautiful. I romanticize it. I've been to the lovely small village of Yanoun and I had the time of my life there. Of course I knew that I came there to protect the villagers from harassment by settlers, while just in that same period a 18 year old shepherd (or olive picker) from the village next door was killed brutally by Israeli settlers. But as I've told before 'to hear' and 'to feel' are different experiences.
In my reality Yanoun was peaceful, warm and that upsets me in a way because it's not the entire story. Yanoun is fear and agression as well and I just can not associate any of these with Yanoun. Many people wouldn't understand my 'complaining' and would say that I'm lucky for not having to see this violent side. In a way they're right... I wouldn't want to experience it first hand. But at the same time I feel bad about it.
I walk through streets in Ramallah, Nablus and Jerusalem with my naieve bubble around me all the time. For me these streets are made up out of nice memories & encounters, shopping people, relaxed atmosphere and so forth. I just don't realize that once they were the scenery of traumatic experiences. In Ramallah I've been walking up and down this road for ages and I only saw the huge martyr memorial sign once someone told me what had happened there. I just don't see it, the reality is not part of my reality.
The Nablus I live in is a completely different Nablus Palestinians are living in. I find this very hard to accept. I don't want to be blind for the reality, but I can not really help the fact that I am...